April 24, 2023 - Dumb Ways to Lose

There's a famous song, "Dumb Ways to Die," that one of our top juniors use to play endlessly as a fun way to relax, often before a big match. (Years later and I still can’t get it out of my head.) Maybe someone should do a song, "Dumb Ways to Lose"? Over the years I have seen so many players find dumb ways to lose that I've concluded that losing was, in fact, their goal. If your goal is to lose, I am here to help! And so, here it is . . . "Dumb Ways to Lose," i.e. Larry's Guide to Losing. 

  1. Spend the week before the tournament on your sofa watching TV, eating potato chips, and drinking soda or beer. Do the same the week afterwards to console yourself.
  2. Use old, worn-out sponge and playing shoes.
  3. Show up at the last minute so there's no time to warm up. Warming up is for sissies.
  4. Eat a big meal just before your big match.
  5. Always figure out the right tactics to beat your opponent after it's too late.
  6. Actually, why worry about tactics at all? Who needs to think? It's not like you're playing chess or something. Just play and if you play better, you'll win, right?
  7. Try to be highly emotional, with a full panorama of negative emotions: Anger, Disgust, Sadness, and for the emotionally talented, Complete Hopelessness. Practice these emotions on your friends while you still have them.
  8. Just before your most important match of the tournament, discuss politics or religion with someone, or just watch the news.
  9. When you miss an easy shot, that's all you should think about for the rest of the match. I mean, seriously, you should have made that shot, right? It was so easy! Keep telling yourself that.
  10. Constantly think about your opponent's rating, how many rating points you are risking, and the score. These things are important!!!